I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
