I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
