I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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