people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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