Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
