These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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