he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
