i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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