hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
