So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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