I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
