dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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