I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
