let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
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Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
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Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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