i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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