george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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