Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
