And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
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I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
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Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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