Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
