I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
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Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
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Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse