You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter