I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
