Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
