6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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