i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I can't put those talents on a resume
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
