I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
