the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
