dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
