so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
