I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
