woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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