I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
