Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i out mim tonsoeep
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
