DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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