Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
