I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
