you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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