I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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