I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
