I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
