false alarm. still invincible.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
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I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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