i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You did what with his pubic hair?
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