I think I won the penis lottery.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
