Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
