My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
