Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm sobbing to NWA
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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