Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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