I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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