On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
