Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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