Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
