I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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