He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my shit smells like andre
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
