I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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