other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
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Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
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I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos