theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken