Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
