I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
