Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
